Open RP Post

[dreamedboy]

⛈️ Hit me up on plurk or via PM if you have any questions/want to run an idea by me first/what-have-you.
⛈️ General squick/trigger list.
⛈️ m/m for anything shippy.
⛈️ General headcanon for Proko. If you've got different headcanon/ideas for a psl, hit me with 'em; I'm flexible.
⛈️ Proko's kink list.
⛈️ This is open to everyone who wants to thread with me!

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[threesecrets]

I know.

[He almost said something about how he would have done it different if he could, but it feels like that isn't good enough. It was a cheap thing to say, and probably not what Prokopenko actually cared about. He knows that saving him at the last second didn't unravel all the rest of it. He had tried to keep away from Kavinsky, to let him be safe by not being part of his life. He didn't ignore him completely, but it was- different. As if it could be anything else.

The question that follows is different, though. It's about the now, about what he wants. It's the question that has always been hard for him, but it isn't as hard as it used to be anymore. He sighs quietly, shifting so that he can lean back against the counter. The hard part isn't what he wants, it's trying to express what he feels in words.]

Kavinsky saved me. I wasn't in the Vaults. I was asleep, dreaming for two hundred years or however long it's been. I think I would have dreamed forever without him.

[He curses a little because that's not really an answer to Prokopenko's question. It's context, it says something, even if Ronan doesn't entirely explain what that something is. But he doesn't know if he can just say the truth on the air between them. Even if it beats in his chest with every stutter of his heart, it feels cruel, somehow. Like the subtext would be saying he wants to steal Kavinsky from him. Although that isn't really untrue, either.

That was part of what had made him flinch and try to deny it even when it was obvious to basically anyone with eyes how Ronan had felt. Was there any way to admit to the things K had wanted from him, to say that he felt it too, without feeling like it would end in suffering ? Was there a way to love him without Kavinsky ruining him? There were still those old worries buried, the concern that the things they needed were different, that Ronan wouldn't be enough.

But he's at least a little bit more self-aware now, better at quieting those bitter voices. He's willing to put in the effort to try and work through those questions for Kavinsky, even if it's difficult. To see if this thing they'd started the other day was something they could hold onto, if K wanted to hold onto it.]

I just- I want Kavinsky. I want to give him whatever I can that he still wants from me. I want to see if there's still a chance.

[dreamedboy]

[He was trying to convince himself that Ronan had learned from his mistakes, that he wouldn't hurt Kavinsky again like he had before. But he was wary. It was hard for him to trust the dreamer.

Taking a deep breath, he held it for a moment before exhaling. Wanting Kavinsky was something they had in common, but Proko had a different connection to him, being one of his dreams. He knew there'd been a him before the dream and he knew that he'd died, however fuzzy those memories were, but he also knew he'd been important enough to Kavinsky to bring him back to life. His point was...he didn't know what his point was. Maybe that he literally needed Kavinsky to survive. Maybe Kavinsky needed Ronan in a similar way.]

How'd you survive?

[He felt like he should ask, both to not be rude and because he was genuinely curious. Ronan had survived somehow and to not be in a vault to do it- maybe Kavinsky had dreamed him. It would explain a lot, really.

Looking down, Proko hesitated for a moment, not long.]

You know he loves you, right? He wasn't the same after- [He shrugged. He was sure Ronan could figure out what the 'after' meant.] He was always brighter with you. Like without you he's missing something.

If you want a chance, I think he'll give it to you. But if you hurt him- if you break his heart- I'll make sure you regret it.

[threesecrets]

I.. fuck man. So I'm half-dream to begin with. And I curled up in the roots of a tree on the ley line, one strong enough to survive. Ilidorin. Back then I couldn't tell the difference between being hungry for food or hungry for the ley line. And I think for me it's sort of the same thing?

[He shrugs his shoulders, dragging a hand against his scalp. He doesn't really see the point in being cagey about it. And it feels like it hasn't been a secret for such a long time. He doesn't have the answers, doesn't know what it means, but he knows that he's part dream, that he's the Greywaren. He knows those pieces matter, even if he doesn't quite grasp their shapes.]

I was alone and I couldn't wake up. And then Kavinsky- he found me somehow. Called for me in the dream, said my name or something. Like I'm a princess in a fucking fairytale. I ended up here because.. finding him was the only thing that made sense.

[It's a messy thing that Ronan only half understands. And there's certainly enough strangeness that it doesn't entirely disprove that K could have dreamed the boy with the shaved head standing in their kitchen. Once he would have been sure that he could tell the difference, but that was a long time ago. Ronan's attached to Kavinsky now, even if he shies from quite saying that directly. A tether, not quite a leash. But he can feel the other dreamer's proximity if he lets himself.

His voice quiets, and he bites at his bottom lip, trying to focus. He hasn't even told K the truth yet, hasn't said the words where he can hear them, even if they're always on the tip of his tongue. His expression says that he didn't know that K loved him, or that if he did it wasn't something he knew how to believe; it wasn't a truth he could pull out and look at. It felt like wishful thinking, like something he didn't deserve.]

I need him, too. And I've loved him since back when we started racing, I guess. But it just felt like so much, and I couldn't-- it felt like I was drowning. Like I'd fucking say please while he held me under. And I didn't know how to handle that, let alone talk about it.

What I mean is- I'm trying to do things different. I want to give him as much as I can.

[He doesn't promise that he wont break his heart, but he also accepts Proko's threat. He doesn't want to hurt Kavinsky, but he also knows that he's still a mess, and that love doesn't mean they wont still hurt each other.]

[dreamedboy]

[That would sound like a bunch of bullshit if Prokopenko wasn't a dream himself, if he didn't know about the existence of dreamers. So instead of calling bull on it, it caught his curiosity. He straightened up a little but resisted the urge to interrupt Ronan.]

How can you be half-dream? I thought- shit. You mean like, one of your parents was a dream?

[That was the only explanation, right? But if that was true it meant dreams could have children and families and- Prokopenko didn't know if he wanted kids and he definitely didn't want to go about getting one biologically, but. Just the idea that he could filled him with...something. He couldn't pinpoint what it was but it was a positive emotion.

He tried not to be selfish though and think about his own future when they were talking about Ronan and Kavinsky. His expression smoothed when Ronan said he loved K. He would've said you didn't hurt someone you loved but- sometimes hurting the people you cared about was inevitable. Usually, hopefully, it was by accident, but it still happened.

He also knew that emotions could be terrifying. Sometimes, some of the things he felt scared himself with their intensity. His fear about if he was human or not, terror about what the future held. Self-loathing, at times. Bitterness that he'd died. It all formed an unpleasant cocktail. Usually, he did the best he could to pretend he wasn't on the verge of a mental breakdown. Sometimes, it was even true.

Smiling a little, he took a breath and exhaled.]

A lot of time's passed. We've all had time to reflect on shit. A lot of things have changed but some things haven't. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I don't wanna break your face anymore.

[But he would if Ronan hurt Kavinsky, on account of being K's best friend and all.]

And, also I guess this means- I dunno. If K's giving you a second chance, so will I.

[threesecrets]

Yeah. My mom. Aurora. But even after my dad died and she fell asleep, I never questioned her, I never-- she was always real to me. But, yeah. Half-dream, half-dreamer.

[Just like Matthew. But Ronan doesn't say that part because Matthew isn't here. He isn't under a tree or in a vault. So there's hurt there, the sort that will cut him open if he lets it. But he thinks that maybe Prokopenko will understand what it means to be half-dream in a way that no one else really has. That he's a little less real, a little less human than the world around him was. That especially after all this time, he felt a little out of place, lost.

Kavinsky felt like something, though. He felt- like home.

He wants the other boy to understand that he means what he says about Kavinsky. That he's not-- he knows that he fucked up before. But he wants to try again, wants to make it better, fit together in the ways that he thinks he and Kavinsky were maybe always meant to. Or maybe he just wants to believe that they were meant to, that there was weight to the feelings that had never left his chest. He smiles a little at the way he says that he doesn't want to break his face anymore.

Which is a start, anyway. He'll take it.]

Thanks. I want to try and do it right this time. I want to try and- fuck, I dunno. I want to make him happy.

[He shrugs his shoulders, doesn't really know how to put it into words. He feels tied to Kavinsky, like he needs this, like all the years have peeled away the things he hadn't been able to face before. And well, he figures that if Proko will give him a chance, the others will too, even if he has to fight for it.]

[dreamedboy]

[Proko took a moment to reflect on that, to just- think about it. He hadn't even known dreams could have kids but that meant they were more real than he thought. People just like anyone else. Even after all of this time, he struggled with feeling real.]

You know, dreams are still- we're special. Someone wanted us to exist.

[Alright, so the same could be said about most people and kids, but still.]

But I'd always thought there was something about you. I just couldn't figure out what.

[Could dreams feel other dreams? He'd never really had anyone to ask, but it seemed that way now.

Proko smiled.]

At least we're on the same page about something. He deserves to be happy. Especially, after all the shit that's happened.